Frantic

Frantic
Lyrics by Metallica

If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?
Stop to warm and karma’s burning
Or look ahead, but keep on turning?

All I ever wanted was to be a Jedi, to do something important with my life. I’ve finally made it, too. Obi-Wan is proud of what I’ve accomplished, even if he isn’t always happy with the way I’ve done it. But there is something wrong. I’m not the Jedi that I’m supposed to be. Something is pulling on me now. Something that carries the specter of the Dark Side with it. I know there is some event that occurred in my past that is affecting everything in my present and future. I just want to know where I went wrong. What could I have done to fix things so this dragon that is slowly growing within me would remain unborn. What would I change if I could go back now? Should I have left Padmé on Naboo? Should I have stayed with my mother on Tatooine all those years ago? Even if I knew where I went wrong, would I give up the life I have led for that alternative? No. No, then I would not have Padmé in my life. My beautiful angel. The pain of losing Mom still lives within me every day. I will not let Padmé suffer the same fate. Yes, I will find a way to save her. And I’ll do it on my own, too. I don’t need Obi-Wan’s help in this. He just wouldn’t understand. He’s too perfect of a Jedi to understand what it means to be in love like this.

Do I have the strength
To know how I’ll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn’t know?

Maybe Chancellor Palpatine is right. He’s never led me astray. He seems to have a better understanding of the Sith than any Jedi I’ve ever met. He says they’ve got information that might keep those I love safe. I know that anything to do with the Dark side is dangerous, but it would be worth the risk if it meant I could save Padmé and the baby. I wonder if any Jedi has used the Sith methods and remained true to the Light side. Is it possible to use that power without being overcome by it? I know I touched it when I was on Tatooine. With the Sandpeople I just... The power that flowed over me was so intense. In some ways it felt so much more real to me than the Light side I’ve been taught to use all these years. If it was used to save lives instead of ending them, maybe then it could create the balance in the Force everyone’s always talking about.

Keep searching, keep on searching
This search goes on, this search goes on

Whatever I do, I feel like I must make my decision soon. I have a feeling that things are in motion that will make my choices for me if I do not do it myself. Argh. If only Mom were here now. She always knew what to say. I could fix the mechanical things, but she would fix the fearful things, the emotional things. She always made it okay. Master Qui-Gon did, too. I wish I had gotten to know him better. He helped Obi-Wan become the powerful Master that he is today yet he wasn’t as stuck in his ways like my Master and the rest of the Council. Qui-Gon, if you’re out there, listening, I am lost and I don’t know what I should do.

Frantic Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tock
Frantic Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tock

Things are growing darker all around me. The war is not going well and the Republic is crumbling all around me. Padmé seems safe for the moment, but the sense of her presence in the Force is not normal. In fact, no one’s presence appears normal. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m losing control of my own perceptions. Chancellor Palpatine would say that I’m too dependent on the Council’s idea of what normal perceptions are supposed to be. Still, I feel the tremors and the approaching storm. I must find a way to stem this tide of darkness, but I will not sacrifice those I love in order to fight it.

I’ve worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I’ve made
Treading water full of worry
This frantic tick tick talk of hurry

I’m scared all the time now. Not for my own life, but for those around me. When I look into their faces, all I see is death. Padmé and the baby, Master Windu, the younglings. Only Obi-Wan and the Chancellor seem to be immune to this destiny. Are they the one’s I should talk to about my visions? Would they understand? No, I feel that I must bear this alone. I am the Chosen One, surely this must be my burden. A Jedi is not supposed to feel fear, but right now it seems that is all I have left.

My lifestyle
Determines my deathstyle
A rising tide
That pushes to the other side

I will overcome this fear. I will learn to use it and through it, I will regain control of my fate.